Trouble..

Today is Sunday, and on a normal Sunday i would get up with my boyfriend and his family and go to Church.
But this weekend I am in Hamilton, and My boyfriend is playing Airsoft with his friends.
I told him I would go to church here in Hamilton, by myself.
But...I kind of didn't go.

I know, this is bad right?
The main reason why, I didn't get up and go was because I slept through my alarm.
The other reason, is because I just...can't bring myself to go to church by myself. I don't know what it is.
I know that going to church should be a comfortable thing, but when I go by myself, I get really anxious.
I don't know how to explain it. But i just freak out about going to church by myself.
I think it has something to do with the fact that the church I go to here in Hamilton, isn't as welcoming as the Pukekohe one.
But even then I often feel awkward, like I'm intruding on peoples conversations.

Why can't i just trust in God that he will guide me through all of this?
Thats my other problem, I feel like I'm slipping away kind of.
Not from faith, but just.... in general.

Mik.

Lately

I'm starting to realize I am a very emotional person who needs to take things less seriously.

Quite often I cry. I probably cry, on average at least twice a month. 

I don't know why this. I don't know if it's because these germs of self consciousness that are in my head get stuck in, work their magic and start yabbering away all my inside feelins. 

  you have no friends 

     no one wants to hang out with 

 your boyfriend doesn't wanna see you 

Wah wah wah. 

I'm trying to make myself stronger in this sense, I honestly am.
But when I get like this, one thing will set me off, and my throat closes up and I get short of breath and I can feel my eyes start to sting. 

I fucking hate it.

I don't swear often, but lately I have been swearing more.
What is going on?
Why do I have to be so weak?
Where am I going with this? I don't even know.

I'm waiting for my boyfriend, I'm waiting for something.
I'm wishing I had more friends to talk to.
To call up.
I wish I wasn't so scared to go to this party that I got invited to.
why why why why why.

Quite Often

Quite often I feel as though I annoy people. A lot.
More particular I feel as though I annoy my boyfriend.
He said to me last night that he think's we're "stuck". I mean, in our relationship we are both content and happy and I couldn't ask for anyone else other than him.
But because we both have Uni to finish (him more so than me as I can graduate next year) we can't really talk about living together and getting married on moving on with our lives.
Well we do talk about it ALL the time, but thats all it is, is talk.
The other thing that I guess you could say is holding us back from moving forward in our relationship is the
fact that if say for example we did move in together, go flatting together even with a group of people.... His parents and a lot of people from the church would "dissaprove".
I still don't know how that makes me feel....
 But yeah.

I would absolutely love to move in with Endrico, it would mean we'd actually get to relax around each other and just have fun and be ourselves.
it's so hard when there are all these rules that you have to follow in order to keep people happy.
And i makes me sad knowing that we are kind of just floating...that nothing else can really happen yet.

Walk the Journey of your Life

Today in my Creating Theatre class, we had to do an exercise that involved no talking, no words, just movement.
Our lecturer gave us the phrase "Walk the Journey of your life" and i immediately went. What. The. Heck. does she mean by that.
She explained it further and went on to say it doesn't have to be a literal walk of your life, it can be, but it doesn't have to be.

She gave us time to sit on our own and start creating a short movement sequence.
Something soon came to me, and I thought about how through out life I was always reasonably happy.
But then of course one thing is able to make you stumble, one thing will put you off balance and your walk becomes staggered.
As children we have to learn how to walk, we fall down and we get back up. But I realized something in that theatre class watching everyone else's responses. That life will always be like that.
We WILL stumble, we WILL get knocked down, we WILL get thrown of balance. But something or someone will always help us back onto our feet.
That is the beauty of life.

I portrayed my walk as me being almost at the point of being defeated by something, but then picking myself up, getting back on my feet and saying NO. I will not let you conquer me.
That is the beauty of our walk through life.
We can keep going, we SHOULD keep going, no matter how hard it gets.

Mik... xx

Accuracy.

“I am happy. I think I really am. But then I get sad. And sometimes it overwhelms me how sad I can get.”

Wow.
I just found this quote.
And you actually don't know how amazingly accurate this is.
There are often times days, weeks, sometimes even months, when I am happy. When I don't let anything bother me and when I don't let little worries fluctuate in my head.
But then other days, I wake up and I appear to be happy. But then, one thing can set me off.
Sometimes it is something that someone might say or the way that they say it just a tone, or a "back-handed compliment", that can set me off.
An example of another time when I've felt extremely happy yet overwhelmingly sad was when I went on a Hike with the youth group. Endrico came too... Now, I really should have researched this before agreeing to go. Because when I think of hike, I think of i don't know, a walk for a couple of hours around a bush, maybe a couple of hills. This Hike was 4 hours (give or take) to the "Hut" and then another 50 or so minutes up to the Summit.
Basically we were walking for 7ish hours. I'm not sure what happened, but I had the worst time on this Hike, because I'm so unfit   (which played anther factor into me balling every 5ks) I couldn't of course keep up with everyone else, I got cranky and was complaining, I had poor Endrico trailing along beside me when he could have been enjoying it with the others. Anyway, about a quarter of the way up we had to cross this river thing which was kind of scary..And well I got across it okay, but as we kept going someone said something and I just...I lost my shit. Everyone else was still going, up and up and here I was balling like a baby on Endrico. I honestly at the time, had no idea why I was crying. This happened to me three times I think on the Hike. Looking back I guess it was because I'm so unfit, and was pushing myself so much I couldn't handle it.

Something else I have noticed, is the fact that it's almost always the people who I love that make me feel small.
The one person who I hold dearest to me, generally knows when I'm about to ball my eyes out. It's not because this persons been mean to me...But this person might, say something and it's like it triggers this part in my brain that sets all my thoughts into hyper-drive.
My throat closes up, and my eyes water, but I still say "No. I'm okay." And it's that part.
The part where the lump builds in my throat, so damn quickly that is overwhelming. Because I just don't understand how so suddenly I can go from laughing and being in a generally good mood, to being a sobbing mess on the floor.

Honestly I don't know what is even up with my brain anymore.
But basically I'm sick of suddenly being sad when someone says one stupid thing to me.
And I don't know how to stop this.

If you read this....I'm sorry it's so long.

Tell me where our time went.....

Well here I am, on the home stretch I guess you could call it.
Pretty much only 3 months left to go of my Degree, and then I can graduate and step out into the big wide world.
3 more months until I have to figure what exactly it is I want to do for the rest of my life. That's the part that scares me the most.

Ya see, I am pretty sure I want to do teaching.
I know I want to do teaching.
I am almost 110% certain I want to do teaching. But there is that small part of me that is going...Do you want to study for another year? Do you want to put up with kids? Don't you want to go out and explore and do other things and maybe try do some shows first before you do this and ohmygosh what should i do HELP!

Yep, these are the thoughts that for the last month have been plaguing my mind.
I know I have to move fast, because If I do want to do teaching, I have to get my application in ASAP
The trouble is I still dont know which area of teaching I want to do...
It's so hard.... Choosing because I'm worried I might not like one thing and want to do something else...

SO YEAH...
I have a lot of big choices to make right now..... And at the same time, I also have to worry about my final semester which is actually going to be a lot tougher than I thought. 

Pressure and choices and decisions.... I hate all those words. And I just wish I could have someone pick for me.
Like, you just go up to a big desk of life and they go okay... So, you are destined to do this job. and study this. Here you go. No big decisions for you. Thank you, have a nice day. Bye. 

That's the dream. Just having life and a job all mapped out and ready to go so you don't have to freak about making a choice. Which could change your life.

Currently, a good song to describe me would be Pressure by Paramore. 

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now

Yep. pretty much perfect.
This year has been the speediest year of my life, I swear it has just flown by. It's. CRAZY!!!
Anyway, guess that's it for now.
Maybe I'll have a sudden realization that I want to do a certain area of teaching and I can relax.

Stay golden.
Mik.

Worries.

For some reason, the past couple of weeks…I’ve been feeling really low. 
For no reason, that I can think of anyway…There is my family stuff going on at the moment…I don’t know..I guess..I’m constantly worrying about things. 
There always seems to be something occupying my mind.. Like, money…car problems..what work is going to be like tomorrow..my mum..my sister…Endrico….all of these things..And I get so anxious..And i can’t handle it. 
And Uni..I worry about uni..and the future..because life is moving so fast….. I just want it all to slow down..or even stop for a minute. So I have time to take a breath.  

I don’t know…I guess this is me just.,crying out to the Lord for help. 
I feel lost..I’m having..mixed feelings about where I wanna go in life, career wise..I keep feeling like because i’m doing a BA and majoring in theatre..I’m not going to go anywhere..I keep telling myself, there’s heaps of jobs out there for me, I don’t have to worry. But it’s because I let other people get under my skin..and…
I don’t know.
I just wish that I could stop worrying. And that when I go to sleep at night, I could sleep without worry….
Before I go to sleep, I pray…But just lately, it hasn’t been working. 

But I won’t stop, because I know the Lord will help me overcome whatever it is is making me feel like this.

amen.  

Week Recap

So I had the BEST weekend.
In fact, just the best week!
A whole week off work. It has been BLISS!!!

 I was in Wellington from Monday-Wednesday, went with my flatmates! We flew down and then Bused back up to Hamilton!
It was great! Did heaps of shopping and got to experience an earthquake(!)
The bus ride home wasn't as great. Way too long, being on that bus, with nothing much to do.
But the scenery was amazing! I forgot how truly beautiful New Zealand is!
Thursday I got to have dinner with my Mum, Sister and Bestie Carina! I stayed at her house and then the Friday we went to see Ice Age 4! Then after that, I hang out with my lovely Man and we went and watched the Rugby at my Sister in Laws Mum's house.
Then i stayed at my Brothers house, and the next day I had a mean mini roadtrip to Deveonport with some Good mates for a friends daughters first birthday.

Had such fun! Hung out with some awesome friends, and got to catch up with some old ones.
After the party, a group of us went to Kiwiyo and got frozen yogurt and then burgerfuel. and I honestly has the best time!
I did not want to leave Pukekohe this morning.
Seriously, I could happily live back in Pukekohe and hang out with all my old friends, and see my boyfriend more than once a week and it would be blissful.

But yes.
All in all, that was probably the best week/weekend I've had!
Was great that I didn't have to work, but now it's back to working every Saturday for the next month.
:(

A new path;

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and...well with all the stuff going on with my sister, and with her friends and I know so many other people who suffer depression, anxiety, self harm...everything...And...I just....with all this, so close to home, and also going through depression myself, I know what it feels like.

So, after my degree I think I might still do teaching, and then after that, if I can afford it, do some papers in Psycology, or counsiling or mental health or SOMETHING.
Because, I just...It sounds weird, but I feel like I'm being called to do this.
I've always wanted to help people in some way, and i just..feel like this is the way to do it.
To show people who suffer that through music, drama, art, photography, and through God. You can overcome anything....
I don't know.. I just...it feels like it's what I have to do.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but where there's a will, there's a way.

So yep, thats my goal.
Long term.
Whatever...I just, don't know how it will happen, but I need to help my sister.
I need to show her that she doesn't have to cut to relieve her frustration and pain and what not.
I need to get her better.
I just need to help.

Survey because yolo

Are you happy where you are right now, relationship-wise?

I am extremely happy where I am relationship wise :) 

Are you close to your cousins?

I used to be very close to all my cousins, but not so much anymore. 

Are you reading anything?

I'm reading the bible :) 

Were you intoxicated the last time you threw up?

Noope. 

Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?

Mmm, i once did, but not anymore. 

Did anything ‘adorable’ happen in the last week?

Umm, not that I can remember? Im sure, Endrico's said something to me. :P 

Does anyone call you babe or baby?

Yep :) 

This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

Yeah, I liked my boyfriend, :P 

Is there a guy that knows everything or mostly everything about you?

Endrico :) 

Honestly has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?

honestly? Yeah. 

Have you ever tried sneaking out?

Kind of did once, hahaha. 

Be honest, do you like people in general?

I mostly do like people in general. Apart from when I'm at work and i dislike all people. 

Would you take $20,000 or a brand new car?

The money. For sure/.

Relationship between you and the last person you texted?
My sister. I care so much for her, it's insane. 

Has the last person you kissed ever hurt you?

Naah. 

Best thing in your life at the moment?

My boyfriend. He's amazing. 

Are you wasting your time on anyone?

Noope. 

Can exes be friends?

I think eventually. but not really. 

Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?

Yes. :))) 

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Lol, yeah 

Is there anyone who you think you deserve an apology from?

UMM no I dont think so 

Are you afraid to grow up? 

I was thinking about it today..about how all my friends are getting enganed and everyones moving out and here I am moved out of home, working, not relying so much on my parents. So yes a no..I'm still affraid of whats to come with grwoing up, but im excited. 

Who was the last person you had a serious talk with?

Um..maybe my mum..and Jo..and yep. 

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?

yes yes yes. 

Do you listen to your friend’s advice when they give it to you?

I try to yeah. 

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to? 

I'm affraid I will loose her in more way than one.. 

Is anything bothering you?

Yep. 

How do you feel right now?

Like I should do more to help. 

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

Yes I do indeed. 

Are you currently frustrated with a boy/girl?

Nope 

Do you have a best friend?

Yep I do, and i love each of them. 

Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail?

Work @_@

Are you going to ask someone out soon?

Haha nah. 

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?

I probably have. 

Its 12am, you wake up crying. You call? 

I'd probably call Endrico. 

Does it bother you when someone hides things from you? 

Yeah, I'd prefer honesty. 

Last person you hugged?

UMMM....I'm not too sure...I dont hug my flatmate..So it would have maybe been 2 weeks ago, Endrico. 

Who last grabbed your ass?

LOL really? 

How many phones, house phones and cell phones are in your house?

Um well, we have 1 house phone, then each of us have a cell phone so 4. 

Where do you work?

Briscoes. you'll never buy better 

What brand is your digital camera?

Sony DSLR 

What was the longest time you’ve liked someone?

a whole 14+ months ;) 

Would you prefer to go out on a fancy date or just chill in your date’s house?

Chill at the house! Although every now and then, fancy is nice. 

Do you believe in kissing when you’re not together yet?

Um, idk. I guess so. If you feel something and no that it'll work, go for it. 

Which is harder: walking away from somebody you love or coming back to someone who hurt you?

walking away. 

Are you going to get hurt anytime soon?

Hope not! 

Do you get annoyed by one word conversations?

Yeah haha 

Do you miss someone?

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. 

Has any of your best friends hurt you?

Yes. they're no longer my best friends though. 

If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?

Lol, yeah? 

Have you ever been hurt by someone you never thought would hurt you?

Haha yeah lol. 

Have you ever fallen asleep on someone?

Yeah, i have :) 

Next time you will kiss someone?

Monday! I will be finally geting to see my man and kiss himmmm! 

365 Day Challenge: Day 60/61/62/63/64

Day 60:  a youtube video you absolutely love and describe why
Okay well I don't really have one...So Ima skip this one. aha..

day 61: one of your most prized possessions
Ohhhh this is touugh...........I think...I'll have to say, the box under my bed which is full of photos and other trinkets and stuff from over my life.. It has so many memories that box...

day 62: describe your best friend completely
I have 3 best friends.
So here we go.
Best friend 1. She is short but very loud, funny and straight up, she's adorable basically. and Shares way too much info. But thats okay, she is crazy but also sensible most of the time. And very strong minded.

Best friend 2. She is beautiful. She has short hair which I swear changes everytime I see her! She has a great sense of style and can be a girly girl but also loves gaming. She makes me laugh, and I can be ME around her. We share some funny moments, which explains why we're best friends.! She's perfect!

Best friend 3. He completes me. He makes me smile, when I don't want to. He understands me and knows me better than anyone. I don't have to pretend to be around him. He's tall with dark curlyish hair, and green eyes that has a freckle in the left eye.(i think). He has strong arms and a good, kind heart.

day 63: your views upon gay marriage
I am at a mixed point with this..I mean......I think, they should be happy with what they have right now. They should be thankful what they are can do now. Because it could be a lot worse for the gay community.

day 64: your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before, what do you do
Oh my gosh. I'd be distraught. I would break the eff down.
Do they die? What happens? I....actually...couldn't handle that.
Honestly.

It's makes me sad...

On tumblr, I follow a few people who self harm.
Now, I know that self-harm is a growing problem in teenagers throughout the world.
But, it makes me sad the amount of people I know who self-harm or have been self-harmers.
It seriously makes me think, what could make someone, so severly depressed that they feel the only way to relieve them of their sadness or pain or whatever is to harm themselves. Sure, when I was depressed, I sometimes felt the urge to try and cut myself, or something similar, but I was always too chicken. So maybe the people who do this are deemed "brave". because they have "strength" to bring harm to themselves. But no.
Some people say it's for attention. Yes, in some ways, it's attention seeking, but it's the attention seeking for HELP. These people, teenagers a like, need HELP. And sometimes it's like there is no one to give it to them.
I mean, I personally have someone very dear to me who selfharms.
And i wish every day that I could have done more to see the signs of he sadness, I think all the time, that I should have noticed that she was injuring her, that I should have seeked help before it got this bad.

I know that as one person, I can't help these people. These people who suffer depression, anxiety, and what not.
But i wish I could.
So. I will say this.
if you are ever feeling depressed, seek help. straight away, don't just brush it off, don't just hide it, don't use self-harm as an outlet for your pain.
check out.
http://www.depression.org.nz/content/home
This site helped me a lot. also
http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/
So did this one.

So please, before you think the only outlet to your pain is harming your self. Stop and think. Because it won't just affect you. But everyone around you. There's so much more to life, and so many other ways to make your self feel better.

M.

3 Things....

 THREE WAYS I AM STILL A KID

1. I still find extreme joy in watching Disney movies.
2. When I go to the Warehouse i go down the toy isle and push all the buttons!
3. I get grumpy over little thins. 

THREE WAYS I AM ALREADY OLD

1. I drive like a nana at times
2. I wear clothes that apparently make me look like a nana.
3. I like staying in on saturday nights instead of going out raging. 

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO

1. Own a canon.
2. Go on a trip overseas somewhere
3. Profess my faith. 

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “BOY”

1. I enjoy video games.
2. Pokemon? Yes!
3. Food. yep. 

THREE WAYS THAT I’M A STEREOTYPICAL “GIRL”

1.I tend to always use my hair straightener 
2.I like dressing up when i go out. 
3. I freak out over bugs.

THREE NEW THINGS I WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS

1. I want to try a new food.
2. I want to try light photography or light painting.
3.I want to try loose weight. 

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MYSELF

1. My hair colour
2. My kindness
3.My.um..my legs?

THREE THINGS I STRONGLY DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF

1.How i still dont particulalry stick up for myself.
2.I get emotional real easy.
3. I get annoyed at the little things

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME

1. Bugs.
2. Loosing my loved ones.
3. The fact that I have to sort what i wanna do with my life.

THREE OF MY EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS

1. Cellphone
2. Keys.
3.Wallet 

THREE CHARACTERISTICS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO ME

1. Sense of humor.
2.Smile.
3.The respect that they give you. 

THREE THINGS I JUST CAN’T DO

1.Cheat on someone.
2. Injure someone on purpose
3. Cheat on a test. 

THREE CAREERS I’M CONSIDERING

1. Teacher 

2.  Artistic Director. 
3. Some sort of teacher or therapy person who uses creative outlets such as drama, photography and music to overcome things such as mental illnesses. 

365 Day Challenge: Day 54.

day 54: your definition of love
Hmm, alrighty.
My definition of love is when you will do anything for that person, you can bend over backwards for them. But not only that, they make you feel safe,with their arms wrapped around them, you just feel safe.
Love to me, is when they joke around and you pull away, but they pull you back.
Or when you wake up with morning breath and they'll still kiss you.
It's letting them know the deepest secrets, the feelings you never say, and they don't judge you.
It's hearing their voice in the mornings on the other end of the phone, even though they woke you up.
Love to me is, when they put up with all the crazy, strange things you do, or say. It's when they make you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside and the outside. Just by kissing you. Or holding you.
It's when they take your hand in theirs and squeeze it as you fall asleep.
Love to me is knowing you're ultimately happy, when you're with this one person. when you can get lost in their eyes and you know them like the back of your hand, when you can just be you. You don't have think, you can be natural. Not caring about what you look like when you wake up in the morning because they'll still love you, no matter what.  That is love.

<3 E.B

A little bit about me: Bold what's true~

You just learned a bit about me:

• I am a cuddler.
• I am a morning person.
• I am an only child.
• I am currently in my pajamas.
• I am currently pregnant.
• I am left handed.
• I am a little shy around the opposite gender at first.
• I bite my nails.
• I can be paranoid at times.
• I enjoy country music.
• I enjoy smoothies.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I have a car.
• I have/had a hard time paying attention at school.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I have a pet.
• I have a tendency to fall for the “wrong” guy/girl.
• I have all my grandparents.
• I have been to another country.
• I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humor.
• I have or had broken a bone.
• I have caller I.D. on my phone.
• I have bathed someone.
• I have changed a diaper.
• I have changed a lot over the past year.
• I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
• I have had major/minor surgery.
• I have killed another person.
• I have had my hair cut within the last week.
• I have mood swings.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.(half bold because I know kind of what I want to do, just not how to go about it all. 
• I have rejected someone before.
• I like the taste of blood.
• I love Michael Jackson.
• I love sleeping.
• I love to shop.
• I own 100 CDs or more.
• I own and use a library card.
• I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
• I sleep a lot during the day.
• I watch soap operas on a regular basis. 
• I work at a job that I enjoy.( i enjoy it most of the time, but not always)
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I am currently wearing socks.
• I am tired.
• I love to paint/draw/sketch/sculpt.
• I consume at least one alcoholic drink every month.

I have/had:

• Graduated high school.
• Smoked cigarettes.
• Ridden every ride at an amusement park.
• Collected something really stupid.
• Gone to a concert.
• Helped someone.
• Spun turn tables.
• Watched four movies in one night.
• Been broken up with.
• Taken a college level course.
• Been in a car accident.
• Been in a tornado.
• Watched someone die.
• Been to a funeral.
• Burned yourself.
• Ran a marathon.
• Your parents got divorced.
• Cried yourself to sleep.
• Spent over $200 in one day.
• Cheated on someone.
• Been cheated on.
• Written a 10 page letter.
• Had a best friend.
• Lost someone you loved.
• Skipped school.
• Gotten in trouble for something you didn’t do.
• Stolen books from the library.
• Been in a mental hospital.
• Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
• Fired a gun.
• Been in a school play.
• Been fired from a job.
• Taken a lie detector test.
• Swam with dolphins.
• Attempted suicide.
• Written poetry.
• Read more than 20 books a year.
• Gone to Europe.
• Loved someone you couldn’t have.
• Used a colouring book over age 12.
• Had surgery.
• Had stitches.
• Taken a taxi.
• Had more than 5 online conversations going at once.
• Had a hamster.
• Dyed your hair.
• Had something pierced.
• Gotten straight A’s.
• Your parents sent you to a shrink.
• Been handcuffed.

My hair is naturally the color:

• Light brown
• Medium brown
• Dark brown
• Blonde
• Black
• Dirty blonde
• Strawberry blonde/Ginger
• Multicoloured

My eyes are:

• Brown
• Blue/Grey
• Green
• Hazel
• Light brown
• A combination of things

Some of my biggest fears are:

• Spiders/other insects
• Dying
• Doctor/Dentist appointments
• Hospitals
• Needles
• Disease
• Being alone in the dark
• Heights
• Small spaces
• Oceans/large bodies of water
• Holes
• Large animals
• Small animals
• Open spaces
• Lightning

I have:

• A friend with benefits
• A laptop in my room
• A television in my room
• Good grades
• My own car

Where has the last 2 years gone?

On Friday the 8th of June, I will have handed in my last assignment for A semester. I will be technically be halfway through my degree.
So, this post is pretty much a reflection on the last 2 years of my life, from where I was to where I am now, to hopefully where I am going.

Two Years ago
I was in my last year of High school, I was doing extremely averagely. I had low self esteem, I felt like I was going through so much, when really It was nothing compared to what some people go through.
I went through a different array of friends, found out who I trusted, who I didn't trust and who I had to let go of completely.
2010 was a year that I feel I broke out of my shell, I tried to not care what other people thought of me, but of course that's hard at a high school.
Of course, 2010 was the year I got ~diagonosed~ with depression/anxiety. I felt alone all the time, lost interest in my subjects at school, felt worthless, I really lost all sense of happiness. I couldn't wait to move out of home and head out into the big wide world of University. In 2010, so much happened, I moved to Thames, I graduated High school, I had to start thinking about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.

One year Ago
Wow, so in 2011, only a year ago. I moved to Hamilton, and started studying at the University of Waikato.
I packed up my room into a suitcase and started living in the Halls of residence. Here I met some crazy people, but also people who have become great friends!
In 2011, I began my study journey. Instead of doing Teaching, like I had planned to for the last 3 or so years, I was doing a Bachelor Of Arts, Double majoring in theatre studies and design media. I made friends, and we went out and partied because thats what people did in Hamilton. But i soon learnt there is more to life then going out and getting smashed every weekend.
In 2011, something wonderful happened to me. I met the guy of my dreams.
Yep, cheeesy, but whatever. Endrico came into my life, he reintroduced me to God. In some ways, I guess you could say, I refound happiness through Endrico, and also through God.
It made me think, why didn't i think of Him when I was at my lowest point. But that was in the past, and I had to move on.
In 2011, I did some awesome things, Like get an A on an assignment I thought I'd get a C on. I discussed things like Euthanasia and abortion, i got given a bible, I walked home at midnight from town with my friends, I stayed up talking till 2AM. 2011, was pretty much the best year of my life. Because I met so many great people, and learnt so many things. I felt I could do anything.

Now.
It's 2012 now. The supposed end of the world year. But I don't believe it. This year, I'm flatting with friends from Uni. I have a job and am in my second year at Uni, so far passing everything with good grades!
Sometimes, I wish I was closer to home, because I miss family. I miss Endrico. I miss my best friend.
But, I feel happy knowing that they're not too far away when I need them.
I feel that since 2010, I have matured, and come a long way from the insecure, unhappy, anxious 17 year old.
Knowing that I have 5 weeks off..then it's B semester, scares me a little bit! because then. It'll be summer, and it'll be 2013, and I'll have one more year to really decide what I absolutely want to do with  myself.
All I know is that whatever happens, God will help through it. He got me through my past, he can get me through the present towards my future too!

Peace.

The year so far...

Well it is May, we're about halfway through..Which means it will be June soon, then we will be halfway through the year.. WHAT THE..?!!? anyways..
I thought I'd write a post about my year so far...

SO: I am flatting, with two of my friends I met at Uni, They are the bee's knees, I have a lot of fun with them, and they're easy and good to live with.
Our flat is nice, it's weird to think we have been all living here together since February.
But yeah, the flat is good.. The landlords scare me slightly, but only slightly. The ONLY thing that's not on with the flat, is how cold it gets...No carpet on the floors, all wooden..It's not even Winter yet, and we are freezing out butts off already!
Other than that, it is all just peachy!

University is going great, I love it! I'm loving my course, it makes me happy (and sad at the same time). While I am still unsure about what I actually want to do with my life..I know i want to help people in some way..That's all I wanna do, give something back to other people.
I am doing surprisingly well with my studies. So far full marks for two out of 3 of my design practicals and one 12/15.  An A- for an essay I did for my design research paper, a B+ for my theatre essay, AND an A- for my theatre performance! So I was pretty happy with those.
I am really excited for B semester, it should be heaps of fun!

In April, on the 16th, Endrico and I celebrated out 1 year anniversarry.. Twas pretty cute, he took me out to dinner at the Orbit, revolving restuarant at the Sky tower, we got to see the sun set over Auckland, and see all the lights of Auckland and beyond start to shimmer on...It was nice.
He makes me so happy, I don't know what I'd do without.
And while every day I wish I could be closer to him, to be able to see him whenever I want, for more than just a weekend, I keep reminding myself..One more year...then I'll be out of Hamilton, and I can be closer to him. This is the first time, I've ever felt like this..Like, I can just see myself being with him forever.
It's a really good feeling..<3

Also, I now have a Job.. I got a transfer to Briscoes here in Hamilton, it's not too bad. I mean, It's a job..I would prefer to have worked at Rebel sport..But Oh well.
The one thing I don't really like, is well..Some of the people..tick me off.
Plus, they're kind of hard on you, and very very VERY fussy, and picky..
It's going to get harder because B Semester..I won't be able to work certrain days.. So...I have to tell them that, and then I also have to choose if I want to go home and work over the holidays at the place in rebel..OR..stay here, and work in Hamilton...
That is one thing I am not so sure about...I mean, my flatmates are great, Hamiltons great..But..during the holidays, I wanna be closer to my family, and endrico too..But we'll see how that goes.

My faith I feel, got a lot stronger this year, infact, i sometimes feel it's being tested each day.
I really hope that by the end of the year, or possibly the start of next year I can profess my faith, and perhaps get Baptized.

I just realized this is very long and probably only like 2 people will read this.
Coz IDK who else reads this blog..LOL..
But yeah, that is my life in a blog post, so far.

M

Right Now I'm....

Reading: Faiths Check book, by Charles Spurgeon!
Outraged by: How the government want to bring in free contraceptives (the pill) for woman on the benefit... It just irks me a little bit...
Excited about: The fact that we have like, 5 weeks left of uni and then it will be the end of A semester, And I will be on holiday for 5 weeks, then it will be B Semester and I will be like..half way through my degree!
Following: Shortland street... NZ's biggest drama...I hate it, but I love it!!
Thinking about: How much work I have/should be doing right now...Instead here I am, writting this blog!
Obsessed with: Nail polish and painting my nails! I have to have colour on my nails, or it just feel weird! I love experimenting with designs! :)
Saving for: Our 3 days trip to wellington in July! Going with my flatemates, all been booked, so now I just need spending money for shopping.. ;D
Clicking on: Tumblr.... Always and forever...I think I need to expand my web browsing more!
Listening to: At the moment I am quite liking the band "Fun" there Album Some Nights is amazing! Have a listen! The lead singer sounds like the lead singer of QUEEN!

365 Day Challenge: Day 27.

Day 27: a person you wished lived closer and why

It's obvious who this will be.

I wish Endrico lived closer.
That way, if I'm sad or upset I could just go to his house, I don't have to wait untill a weekend where I only get to see him for a day or 2 at the most.
and yeah.
Distance does get hard, and while it's not much of a distance it's still a distance.

365 Day Challenge: Day 16

Day 16: Someone you trust

I trust my boyfriend, Endrico.
I don't trust many people, only a select few, but I trust him.
Because we are in a Long distance relationship, okay it's not that great a distance, an hour and a bit away. we don't see each other as often as we could. So, I have to have faith and put my trust in this boy, that he won't break me. And I know he wont.
I know that sometimes I have my worries, we all do. But I know in my heart that he is faithful, and willing, and whatever happens we can make this work because I love him with all my heart, with every inch of my body and mind.
He's literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Babe, I love you to the ends of the earth, and even when I freak out and get lonely, and when you get lonely remember that I'll be seeing you soon.

xoxoxox