Lately

I'm starting to realize I am a very emotional person who needs to take things less seriously.

Quite often I cry. I probably cry, on average at least twice a month. 

I don't know why this. I don't know if it's because these germs of self consciousness that are in my head get stuck in, work their magic and start yabbering away all my inside feelins. 

  you have no friends 

     no one wants to hang out with 

 your boyfriend doesn't wanna see you 

Wah wah wah. 

I'm trying to make myself stronger in this sense, I honestly am.
But when I get like this, one thing will set me off, and my throat closes up and I get short of breath and I can feel my eyes start to sting. 

I fucking hate it.

I don't swear often, but lately I have been swearing more.
What is going on?
Why do I have to be so weak?
Where am I going with this? I don't even know.

I'm waiting for my boyfriend, I'm waiting for something.
I'm wishing I had more friends to talk to.
To call up.
I wish I wasn't so scared to go to this party that I got invited to.
why why why why why.

Walk the Journey of your Life

Today in my Creating Theatre class, we had to do an exercise that involved no talking, no words, just movement.
Our lecturer gave us the phrase "Walk the Journey of your life" and i immediately went. What. The. Heck. does she mean by that.
She explained it further and went on to say it doesn't have to be a literal walk of your life, it can be, but it doesn't have to be.

She gave us time to sit on our own and start creating a short movement sequence.
Something soon came to me, and I thought about how through out life I was always reasonably happy.
But then of course one thing is able to make you stumble, one thing will put you off balance and your walk becomes staggered.
As children we have to learn how to walk, we fall down and we get back up. But I realized something in that theatre class watching everyone else's responses. That life will always be like that.
We WILL stumble, we WILL get knocked down, we WILL get thrown of balance. But something or someone will always help us back onto our feet.
That is the beauty of life.

I portrayed my walk as me being almost at the point of being defeated by something, but then picking myself up, getting back on my feet and saying NO. I will not let you conquer me.
That is the beauty of our walk through life.
We can keep going, we SHOULD keep going, no matter how hard it gets.

Mik... xx

365 Day Challenge: days 84/85/86/87/88/89/90.

Haven't done this in a while so Will try and catch up! @__@

day 84: do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength
I honestly don't think crying is a sign of strength. I also don't think it's a sign of weakness, but it's a sign that you have been strong for too long, that you have to have that release. Crying is healthy, it's good for you, it helps you.
But it's something that shows how vulnerable you can be, but also how much something can impact you too.

day 85: if you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be
It would be that SELF HARM IS NOT THE ANSWER to your problems. It would be that ALCOHOL AND DRUGS IS NOT THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS.
There is so much more to life than these things, you just have to find it!

day 86: what is the difference between living and existing
Living is waking up every morning and..wanting to make a difference or just simply being thankful for everything in life and enjoying the moment!
Existing is I guess to just...be boring.

day 87: what are your views upon sex before marriage
I have always known in my heart that I wanted to save myself for marriage, when all my friends were loosing their virginities at 15/16 I always asked them Why? What..is the point?
I mean, I think it's up to the person to decide, if you know you absolutely love someone, like, fully and uncoditionally..then it's okay, if you can see yourself with them in the future, go for it.
But I personally am waiting till I'm married...it's hard..very tough...But I'm going to do it. To prove to myself that a relationship isn't all about sex. So yep. I think it's a great idea, and that everyone should do it. There'd be less teen pregnancies too.

day 88: does money equal happiness
I don't think it SHOULD equal happiness, but in reality it does. We need money to get pretty much everything. and it's sad coz a lot of people don't have anything but they still find happiness without wealth. So why can't we?

day 89: are you self aware
I don't know. I guess I am self aware?

day 90: write a letter to one of your close friends

Dear Cazza.
I know I haven't seen you in ages and we don't talk as much anymore, but remember you are one of my best friends. And you have helped me through so much and for that I am grateful.
Keep smiling and one day your prince will come!
Love ya short stuff :P
Mik xxx

A new path;

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and...well with all the stuff going on with my sister, and with her friends and I know so many other people who suffer depression, anxiety, self harm...everything...And...I just....with all this, so close to home, and also going through depression myself, I know what it feels like.

So, after my degree I think I might still do teaching, and then after that, if I can afford it, do some papers in Psycology, or counsiling or mental health or SOMETHING.
Because, I just...It sounds weird, but I feel like I'm being called to do this.
I've always wanted to help people in some way, and i just..feel like this is the way to do it.
To show people who suffer that through music, drama, art, photography, and through God. You can overcome anything....
I don't know.. I just...it feels like it's what I have to do.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but where there's a will, there's a way.

So yep, thats my goal.
Long term.
Whatever...I just, don't know how it will happen, but I need to help my sister.
I need to show her that she doesn't have to cut to relieve her frustration and pain and what not.
I need to get her better.
I just need to help.

It's makes me sad...

On tumblr, I follow a few people who self harm.
Now, I know that self-harm is a growing problem in teenagers throughout the world.
But, it makes me sad the amount of people I know who self-harm or have been self-harmers.
It seriously makes me think, what could make someone, so severly depressed that they feel the only way to relieve them of their sadness or pain or whatever is to harm themselves. Sure, when I was depressed, I sometimes felt the urge to try and cut myself, or something similar, but I was always too chicken. So maybe the people who do this are deemed "brave". because they have "strength" to bring harm to themselves. But no.
Some people say it's for attention. Yes, in some ways, it's attention seeking, but it's the attention seeking for HELP. These people, teenagers a like, need HELP. And sometimes it's like there is no one to give it to them.
I mean, I personally have someone very dear to me who selfharms.
And i wish every day that I could have done more to see the signs of he sadness, I think all the time, that I should have noticed that she was injuring her, that I should have seeked help before it got this bad.

I know that as one person, I can't help these people. These people who suffer depression, anxiety, and what not.
But i wish I could.
So. I will say this.
if you are ever feeling depressed, seek help. straight away, don't just brush it off, don't just hide it, don't use self-harm as an outlet for your pain.
check out.
http://www.depression.org.nz/content/home
This site helped me a lot. also
http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/
So did this one.

So please, before you think the only outlet to your pain is harming your self. Stop and think. Because it won't just affect you. But everyone around you. There's so much more to life, and so many other ways to make your self feel better.

M.

I'm not sad Anymore...

But there are times, when I get anxious.
When I worry far too much for my own good and I can't handle things.
The thing I hate the most is that my breathing gets fast, and my throat closes up, and I can't help but cry?
I don't understand it. I feel I don't have anything to cry about. This is the happiest I've been in, well, a very, very, very long time.
But just those certain times, when I get caught up in something or over something, my thoughts race ahead of me or I have a bad day and these feelings of sadness just hit me, so suddenly.

I wish it would stop.
I wish I new a way to make it stop.

M