Big Decisions.

I have got some very big choices to make.
And I have to make them within the next 2 weeks or so. I don't know why I'm so unsure about all of this.
I think it might have something to do with the fact that there are so many possibilities for what I actually want to do.

When I was thinking about coming to University when I was in my last  year of high school.
I knew pretty much exactly what I wanted to do. Which was teaching early childhood. When that got "struck down" so to speak, I took it as a sign that I wasn't ready to do teaching and had some growing up to do. Or that maybe I shouldn't do teaching at all.
That was a pretty big decision for me. Changing my whole idea of what I wanted to do with my life, putting my dream of being a teacher on hold. But i think because of that, because I stopped, did my BA, I've come to learn a lot more, and think a lot more about why I actually want to teach, and how I want to make a difference in other peoples lives.

The big decision for me now, it choosing between doing my Graduate Diploma in either Early Childhood, Primary or High School teaching.
I've talked to a lot of people, gotten some good advice and feedback and what not. But I still am so lost at choosing which area I should go.
There are good and bad points for all the areas, but I think whats putting me off the most is the fact that I'm terrified I will pick the wrong one.
That's why I'm trying to think about everything so carefully, so intrinsically about where I want to go.
My main goal in life is to help children and youth who have sturrgled or who are struggling with the help of theatre.
If there is any way I can do this, I will be willing to try. But for now, I have got some seriously big decisions to make.

x

Quite Often

Quite often I feel as though I annoy people. A lot.
More particular I feel as though I annoy my boyfriend.
He said to me last night that he think's we're "stuck". I mean, in our relationship we are both content and happy and I couldn't ask for anyone else other than him.
But because we both have Uni to finish (him more so than me as I can graduate next year) we can't really talk about living together and getting married on moving on with our lives.
Well we do talk about it ALL the time, but thats all it is, is talk.
The other thing that I guess you could say is holding us back from moving forward in our relationship is the
fact that if say for example we did move in together, go flatting together even with a group of people.... His parents and a lot of people from the church would "dissaprove".
I still don't know how that makes me feel....
 But yeah.

I would absolutely love to move in with Endrico, it would mean we'd actually get to relax around each other and just have fun and be ourselves.
it's so hard when there are all these rules that you have to follow in order to keep people happy.
And i makes me sad knowing that we are kind of just floating...that nothing else can really happen yet.

Walk the Journey of your Life

Today in my Creating Theatre class, we had to do an exercise that involved no talking, no words, just movement.
Our lecturer gave us the phrase "Walk the Journey of your life" and i immediately went. What. The. Heck. does she mean by that.
She explained it further and went on to say it doesn't have to be a literal walk of your life, it can be, but it doesn't have to be.

She gave us time to sit on our own and start creating a short movement sequence.
Something soon came to me, and I thought about how through out life I was always reasonably happy.
But then of course one thing is able to make you stumble, one thing will put you off balance and your walk becomes staggered.
As children we have to learn how to walk, we fall down and we get back up. But I realized something in that theatre class watching everyone else's responses. That life will always be like that.
We WILL stumble, we WILL get knocked down, we WILL get thrown of balance. But something or someone will always help us back onto our feet.
That is the beauty of life.

I portrayed my walk as me being almost at the point of being defeated by something, but then picking myself up, getting back on my feet and saying NO. I will not let you conquer me.
That is the beauty of our walk through life.
We can keep going, we SHOULD keep going, no matter how hard it gets.

Mik... xx

Accuracy.

“I am happy. I think I really am. But then I get sad. And sometimes it overwhelms me how sad I can get.”

Wow.
I just found this quote.
And you actually don't know how amazingly accurate this is.
There are often times days, weeks, sometimes even months, when I am happy. When I don't let anything bother me and when I don't let little worries fluctuate in my head.
But then other days, I wake up and I appear to be happy. But then, one thing can set me off.
Sometimes it is something that someone might say or the way that they say it just a tone, or a "back-handed compliment", that can set me off.
An example of another time when I've felt extremely happy yet overwhelmingly sad was when I went on a Hike with the youth group. Endrico came too... Now, I really should have researched this before agreeing to go. Because when I think of hike, I think of i don't know, a walk for a couple of hours around a bush, maybe a couple of hills. This Hike was 4 hours (give or take) to the "Hut" and then another 50 or so minutes up to the Summit.
Basically we were walking for 7ish hours. I'm not sure what happened, but I had the worst time on this Hike, because I'm so unfit   (which played anther factor into me balling every 5ks) I couldn't of course keep up with everyone else, I got cranky and was complaining, I had poor Endrico trailing along beside me when he could have been enjoying it with the others. Anyway, about a quarter of the way up we had to cross this river thing which was kind of scary..And well I got across it okay, but as we kept going someone said something and I just...I lost my shit. Everyone else was still going, up and up and here I was balling like a baby on Endrico. I honestly at the time, had no idea why I was crying. This happened to me three times I think on the Hike. Looking back I guess it was because I'm so unfit, and was pushing myself so much I couldn't handle it.

Something else I have noticed, is the fact that it's almost always the people who I love that make me feel small.
The one person who I hold dearest to me, generally knows when I'm about to ball my eyes out. It's not because this persons been mean to me...But this person might, say something and it's like it triggers this part in my brain that sets all my thoughts into hyper-drive.
My throat closes up, and my eyes water, but I still say "No. I'm okay." And it's that part.
The part where the lump builds in my throat, so damn quickly that is overwhelming. Because I just don't understand how so suddenly I can go from laughing and being in a generally good mood, to being a sobbing mess on the floor.

Honestly I don't know what is even up with my brain anymore.
But basically I'm sick of suddenly being sad when someone says one stupid thing to me.
And I don't know how to stop this.

If you read this....I'm sorry it's so long.

Tell me where our time went.....

Well here I am, on the home stretch I guess you could call it.
Pretty much only 3 months left to go of my Degree, and then I can graduate and step out into the big wide world.
3 more months until I have to figure what exactly it is I want to do for the rest of my life. That's the part that scares me the most.

Ya see, I am pretty sure I want to do teaching.
I know I want to do teaching.
I am almost 110% certain I want to do teaching. But there is that small part of me that is going...Do you want to study for another year? Do you want to put up with kids? Don't you want to go out and explore and do other things and maybe try do some shows first before you do this and ohmygosh what should i do HELP!

Yep, these are the thoughts that for the last month have been plaguing my mind.
I know I have to move fast, because If I do want to do teaching, I have to get my application in ASAP
The trouble is I still dont know which area of teaching I want to do...
It's so hard.... Choosing because I'm worried I might not like one thing and want to do something else...

SO YEAH...
I have a lot of big choices to make right now..... And at the same time, I also have to worry about my final semester which is actually going to be a lot tougher than I thought. 

Pressure and choices and decisions.... I hate all those words. And I just wish I could have someone pick for me.
Like, you just go up to a big desk of life and they go okay... So, you are destined to do this job. and study this. Here you go. No big decisions for you. Thank you, have a nice day. Bye. 

That's the dream. Just having life and a job all mapped out and ready to go so you don't have to freak about making a choice. Which could change your life.

Currently, a good song to describe me would be Pressure by Paramore. 

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now

Yep. pretty much perfect.
This year has been the speediest year of my life, I swear it has just flown by. It's. CRAZY!!!
Anyway, guess that's it for now.
Maybe I'll have a sudden realization that I want to do a certain area of teaching and I can relax.

Stay golden.
Mik.

Worries.

For some reason, the past couple of weeks…I’ve been feeling really low. 
For no reason, that I can think of anyway…There is my family stuff going on at the moment…I don’t know..I guess..I’m constantly worrying about things. 
There always seems to be something occupying my mind.. Like, money…car problems..what work is going to be like tomorrow..my mum..my sister…Endrico….all of these things..And I get so anxious..And i can’t handle it. 
And Uni..I worry about uni..and the future..because life is moving so fast….. I just want it all to slow down..or even stop for a minute. So I have time to take a breath.  

I don’t know…I guess this is me just.,crying out to the Lord for help. 
I feel lost..I’m having..mixed feelings about where I wanna go in life, career wise..I keep feeling like because i’m doing a BA and majoring in theatre..I’m not going to go anywhere..I keep telling myself, there’s heaps of jobs out there for me, I don’t have to worry. But it’s because I let other people get under my skin..and…
I don’t know.
I just wish that I could stop worrying. And that when I go to sleep at night, I could sleep without worry….
Before I go to sleep, I pray…But just lately, it hasn’t been working. 

But I won’t stop, because I know the Lord will help me overcome whatever it is is making me feel like this.

amen.  

Week Recap

So I had the BEST weekend.
In fact, just the best week!
A whole week off work. It has been BLISS!!!

 I was in Wellington from Monday-Wednesday, went with my flatmates! We flew down and then Bused back up to Hamilton!
It was great! Did heaps of shopping and got to experience an earthquake(!)
The bus ride home wasn't as great. Way too long, being on that bus, with nothing much to do.
But the scenery was amazing! I forgot how truly beautiful New Zealand is!
Thursday I got to have dinner with my Mum, Sister and Bestie Carina! I stayed at her house and then the Friday we went to see Ice Age 4! Then after that, I hang out with my lovely Man and we went and watched the Rugby at my Sister in Laws Mum's house.
Then i stayed at my Brothers house, and the next day I had a mean mini roadtrip to Deveonport with some Good mates for a friends daughters first birthday.

Had such fun! Hung out with some awesome friends, and got to catch up with some old ones.
After the party, a group of us went to Kiwiyo and got frozen yogurt and then burgerfuel. and I honestly has the best time!
I did not want to leave Pukekohe this morning.
Seriously, I could happily live back in Pukekohe and hang out with all my old friends, and see my boyfriend more than once a week and it would be blissful.

But yes.
All in all, that was probably the best week/weekend I've had!
Was great that I didn't have to work, but now it's back to working every Saturday for the next month.
:(

A new path;

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and...well with all the stuff going on with my sister, and with her friends and I know so many other people who suffer depression, anxiety, self harm...everything...And...I just....with all this, so close to home, and also going through depression myself, I know what it feels like.

So, after my degree I think I might still do teaching, and then after that, if I can afford it, do some papers in Psycology, or counsiling or mental health or SOMETHING.
Because, I just...It sounds weird, but I feel like I'm being called to do this.
I've always wanted to help people in some way, and i just..feel like this is the way to do it.
To show people who suffer that through music, drama, art, photography, and through God. You can overcome anything....
I don't know.. I just...it feels like it's what I have to do.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but where there's a will, there's a way.

So yep, thats my goal.
Long term.
Whatever...I just, don't know how it will happen, but I need to help my sister.
I need to show her that she doesn't have to cut to relieve her frustration and pain and what not.
I need to get her better.
I just need to help.

It's makes me sad...

On tumblr, I follow a few people who self harm.
Now, I know that self-harm is a growing problem in teenagers throughout the world.
But, it makes me sad the amount of people I know who self-harm or have been self-harmers.
It seriously makes me think, what could make someone, so severly depressed that they feel the only way to relieve them of their sadness or pain or whatever is to harm themselves. Sure, when I was depressed, I sometimes felt the urge to try and cut myself, or something similar, but I was always too chicken. So maybe the people who do this are deemed "brave". because they have "strength" to bring harm to themselves. But no.
Some people say it's for attention. Yes, in some ways, it's attention seeking, but it's the attention seeking for HELP. These people, teenagers a like, need HELP. And sometimes it's like there is no one to give it to them.
I mean, I personally have someone very dear to me who selfharms.
And i wish every day that I could have done more to see the signs of he sadness, I think all the time, that I should have noticed that she was injuring her, that I should have seeked help before it got this bad.

I know that as one person, I can't help these people. These people who suffer depression, anxiety, and what not.
But i wish I could.
So. I will say this.
if you are ever feeling depressed, seek help. straight away, don't just brush it off, don't just hide it, don't use self-harm as an outlet for your pain.
check out.
http://www.depression.org.nz/content/home
This site helped me a lot. also
http://www.thelowdown.co.nz/
So did this one.

So please, before you think the only outlet to your pain is harming your self. Stop and think. Because it won't just affect you. But everyone around you. There's so much more to life, and so many other ways to make your self feel better.

M.

The year so far...

Well it is May, we're about halfway through..Which means it will be June soon, then we will be halfway through the year.. WHAT THE..?!!? anyways..
I thought I'd write a post about my year so far...

SO: I am flatting, with two of my friends I met at Uni, They are the bee's knees, I have a lot of fun with them, and they're easy and good to live with.
Our flat is nice, it's weird to think we have been all living here together since February.
But yeah, the flat is good.. The landlords scare me slightly, but only slightly. The ONLY thing that's not on with the flat, is how cold it gets...No carpet on the floors, all wooden..It's not even Winter yet, and we are freezing out butts off already!
Other than that, it is all just peachy!

University is going great, I love it! I'm loving my course, it makes me happy (and sad at the same time). While I am still unsure about what I actually want to do with my life..I know i want to help people in some way..That's all I wanna do, give something back to other people.
I am doing surprisingly well with my studies. So far full marks for two out of 3 of my design practicals and one 12/15.  An A- for an essay I did for my design research paper, a B+ for my theatre essay, AND an A- for my theatre performance! So I was pretty happy with those.
I am really excited for B semester, it should be heaps of fun!

In April, on the 16th, Endrico and I celebrated out 1 year anniversarry.. Twas pretty cute, he took me out to dinner at the Orbit, revolving restuarant at the Sky tower, we got to see the sun set over Auckland, and see all the lights of Auckland and beyond start to shimmer on...It was nice.
He makes me so happy, I don't know what I'd do without.
And while every day I wish I could be closer to him, to be able to see him whenever I want, for more than just a weekend, I keep reminding myself..One more year...then I'll be out of Hamilton, and I can be closer to him. This is the first time, I've ever felt like this..Like, I can just see myself being with him forever.
It's a really good feeling..<3

Also, I now have a Job.. I got a transfer to Briscoes here in Hamilton, it's not too bad. I mean, It's a job..I would prefer to have worked at Rebel sport..But Oh well.
The one thing I don't really like, is well..Some of the people..tick me off.
Plus, they're kind of hard on you, and very very VERY fussy, and picky..
It's going to get harder because B Semester..I won't be able to work certrain days.. So...I have to tell them that, and then I also have to choose if I want to go home and work over the holidays at the place in rebel..OR..stay here, and work in Hamilton...
That is one thing I am not so sure about...I mean, my flatmates are great, Hamiltons great..But..during the holidays, I wanna be closer to my family, and endrico too..But we'll see how that goes.

My faith I feel, got a lot stronger this year, infact, i sometimes feel it's being tested each day.
I really hope that by the end of the year, or possibly the start of next year I can profess my faith, and perhaps get Baptized.

I just realized this is very long and probably only like 2 people will read this.
Coz IDK who else reads this blog..LOL..
But yeah, that is my life in a blog post, so far.

M

365 Day Challenge: Day 17

Day 17: Your Idol and why I look up to them. 


I wouldn't exactly say I have an "idol". But someone I look up to is my Mother.
She has been through a lot, she gives so much, and means well with everything she does.
She stuck by me through so much when I was little, and she still does. She supports and supported me in everything. she drove me to all my after school activities, payed the bills, did my hair, made me costumes. She did and still does so much for me. And I've also learnt a lot from her.   I guess you could say I have learned through her mistakes and her successes
I really don't know what I'd do without my Mum.
Love you Mum!

xoxoxox

365 Day Challenge: Day 16

Day 16: Someone you trust

I trust my boyfriend, Endrico.
I don't trust many people, only a select few, but I trust him.
Because we are in a Long distance relationship, okay it's not that great a distance, an hour and a bit away. we don't see each other as often as we could. So, I have to have faith and put my trust in this boy, that he won't break me. And I know he wont.
I know that sometimes I have my worries, we all do. But I know in my heart that he is faithful, and willing, and whatever happens we can make this work because I love him with all my heart, with every inch of my body and mind.
He's literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Babe, I love you to the ends of the earth, and even when I freak out and get lonely, and when you get lonely remember that I'll be seeing you soon.

xoxoxox

Glorify.

I went to an Easter Camp this weekend, and I am so, so happy I went!
Not only did I make new friends and grow closer to people I also really understood a lot of stuff.
I really learnt and understood that Jesus died for our sins, God sent his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins.
Which is something I find just amazing, because when you think about, we all sin, it is all around us, and to have someone who has saved us from sin, and can save us from sin is great.
One of the things we talked about at the camp was "What it means to you to be a Christian?"
And that made me thing, i thought it about it the whole camp. And then on Sunday we had a dawn service where we were asked "Who Jesus is to us?." and I really and deeply thought about that and I now have answers.

Firstly who is Jesus to me.
Jesus is my new best friend. I used to attend church regularly when I was younger, and I guess I knew basics about the Lord and what he's done for us, then as I got older I couldn't attend church, I stopped going. I had a little bit of spiritual activity in high school, but not for long, and soon I just kind of forgot about God.
I went through a lot of rough times in my Life, a divorce of my parents, I had a lot of friendship bust ups, family distress and then I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
This was all around 2007-2010, I was probably at my lowest point then, particularly 2010. Back then I felt like I had no hope, there were so many times that I felt like giving up on my life, but I stuck through. It took me at camp to realize what kept me going. It was Gods strength, and his Grace that kept me going. While I had forgotten about him, he hadn't forgotten about me. I think I new deep down in my heart, He was always with me. It just took meeting a certain someone to reboot that faith in Him.
So, that is who Jesus is to me. He is my savior. My saving grace. He saved me from myself, and he put me through trials and tribulations so I could learn from them, and come out a stronger person.

The next answer was harder for me to put together. I didn't grow up in a christian family, with a christian background like most of the other people at camp might have, and because I went such a long time without attending church or anything like that I guess I didn't soak up much religious ways or history.
But I think to me being a NEW christian means, learning. Learning more and more each day about Gods wondrous ways, what he's done for us, and how he will come back for us. How we need him.
It means understanding that when You think you are alone you can have someone to turn to.
That's my thoughts.

So, judge all you want, I am posting this to glorif God for all he's done, and all he is doing.

"Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you."-Pslam 25:20"

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."-John 3:16. 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."-Proverbs 3:5

If you read this thank you if not that's fine.

Peace out and God Bless.

 

I'm not sad Anymore...

But there are times, when I get anxious.
When I worry far too much for my own good and I can't handle things.
The thing I hate the most is that my breathing gets fast, and my throat closes up, and I can't help but cry?
I don't understand it. I feel I don't have anything to cry about. This is the happiest I've been in, well, a very, very, very long time.
But just those certain times, when I get caught up in something or over something, my thoughts race ahead of me or I have a bad day and these feelings of sadness just hit me, so suddenly.

I wish it would stop.
I wish I new a way to make it stop.

M

365 Day Challenge: Day 4/Other stuffs

How you think your life would change if you achieved your dream


Hmm, I don't think my Life would change too much if I achieved my dream, I guess I would be thankful for being able to help people our and create something beautiful.
I've never really thought about it before.


IN OTHER NEWS!!!!!!

I recorded a demo of a Jingle today! Not sure if it will be bought and played on the radio, but I still made it and then I get told if I am needed in the future to record more stuff.
It was such a cool experiecnce! Going into the little booth thing, wearing the headphones to record everything and what not.
Totally awesome and would love to do more. :)
I've never ever thought I could get into something like that but they guy seemed to really like it so we will see what happens!

M

365 Day Challenge: Day 3

Day Three: What you think your reason for being here is. 


I think my reason for being here is to help people. To bring something creative to the world. Be it through design, photography, music or theatre. In SOME WAY i want to help people.
I also think another reason for being here is provide for others, to provide for someone.
To make other peoples live's or another persons life better, and happier.

365 Day Challenge; Day 2

Day 2: Something that’s illegal but you think it should be legal.


Well, I personally think that file sharing, and downloading should be legal.
I really don't see the entire harm in it, i mean it has it's positives and it's negatives. The negatives being that record companies, and artists miss out on a certain % of income, but in reality does it really matter all that much?
They still make so much money from ticket sales to concerts, from selling merchandise like shirts, posters, bracelets you name it!
I don't get how downloading a couple of songs from a few artists should be illegal.
I really don't know too much about all the downloading act or bill or whatever, but I think at the end of the day, it's not hurting anyone so why should it be illegal?

That just My Opinion and anyone else who wants to retort can, but I think it shouldn't be illegal.

Don't judge a book by the length of it's skirt.

Random title I know, but it will make sense soon... I went out on Saturday Night to our local Bar...club..whatever you want to call it, and I couldn't stop noticing peoples appearances... How they looked, what they wore, if they were skinny, if they looked skanky.
Anyways I then found myself comparing my body and how I looked that night to the body's and looks of other girls.
It really wasn't good.
So there I was making fun of girls in my head, wishing I was skinny enough to wear the things they wore, wishing my hair would stay as straight as theirs.
It wasn't till Monday at a Bible study that made me think about how judgmental I can be.
As soon as I see a girl in a short dress. I automatically assume she's a sleeping around, or does seemingly bad things.
Really thinking about it, aren't we all like that at some point?
So judgmental about people, before we know them as a person. Before we know their story. They could be going through so much hurt and pain and we judge them by the length or a dress, or the fact they are dressed in leather biker gear. People need to stop making assumptions about other people's personalities and lives, not only is not good for our karma and ourselves, but does it really make you feel better "judging" someone because they have pink hair, or because they are a size 22?
No, it doesn't.
Only God can Judge you.
That's one thing I picked up from this bible study, of course I already knew that, but I think I needed another reminder. So, from now on I am going to work on being less judgmental towards people, stop assuming that a person is sleeping around because of the length of her skirt, or that girls crazy because of her dress sense.
Stop judging people before you know them, especially in a club or bar situation, if A girl is dressed in a
short, tight dress, it doesn't automatically make her slutty. Judging a book by the length of it's skirt, making assumptions. Chances are you won't see her again ever. Ever.
I think it will make me feel better, if I stop judging and comparing, but It will be hard, specially the comparing part. But if I can get the judging out of the way, the comparing of myself to others will slowly follow.
Hopefully.

So. Stop judging people before you know them, especially in a club or bar situation, if A girl is dressed in a short, tight dress, it doesn't automatically make her slutty. Judging a book by the length of it's skirt, making assumptions. Chances are you won't see her again ever. Ever. 

Make yourself feel better and make others feel better. Stop reading the front cover and open the book up and get to know someone before you judge them.

365 Day Challenge; Started 17/03/2012

Decided I am going to do the 365 day challenge again!
Starting from day one,I have posted the whole challenge on my tumblr, but decided to do the questions etc on my blogspot! Just to spice things up a bit ;)

So here is
DAY ONE: hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days with a picture of yourself




Hopes dreams and plans for the next 365 days: To have one amazing year. I want to pass all my subjects this year at Uni, preferably with B+ or Higher.
I hope to get back onto the stage this year, and some point. Be it at Uni, as part of a theatre club or at a talent show, I don't know. I have to prove to myself I can still sing and still have "talent". It sounds weird, but that's one of my goals, to show myself I am still good at what I do.
Also, this year I want to get closer to God, I'm hoping Endrico can help me out with this.
Another goal I have is to get back to a size 10 dress size. Yes I know what you're all thinking.. "be happy with how you look blah blah blaah" I am in some ways, but in other ways I'm not. So I want to change that, motivate myself into getting fit, getting..not skinny, but toned..flat so to say.
It's pretty much the middle of March, and you're supposed to start this is January but meh :p
So, I plan to keep at this each day. For 365 Days. 
Challenge is on. 


M

Fitness Routine

This week I started out on my little fitness routine with my Flatmate!
Sadly, it got back tracked because I am sick and could hardly breath through my nose...BUT
When I am all healthy and can  breath properly again I am going to get into a routine!
Was originally going to be mornings, but I love my sleep too much, so I think I will afternoon/evening jogs.

Starting slow, because I am so unfit and working my way up.
Also I am going to start my tummy excersies again. Or google some that push the fat in not make it stick out more.

I'm trying to eat healthier too, but it's so hard and I give into temptation so easily.
SO
I'm cutting back on the fizzy drink, chips, lollies etc and will try to eat more fruit!
Salad with meals every night..maybe
And a jog each day!

I can  totally do this, I just gotta stay motivated.

My ultimate goal is to be back in a size 10.
But we will see what happens.

M