Lately

I'm starting to realize I am a very emotional person who needs to take things less seriously.

Quite often I cry. I probably cry, on average at least twice a month. 

I don't know why this. I don't know if it's because these germs of self consciousness that are in my head get stuck in, work their magic and start yabbering away all my inside feelins. 

  you have no friends 

     no one wants to hang out with 

 your boyfriend doesn't wanna see you 

Wah wah wah. 

I'm trying to make myself stronger in this sense, I honestly am.
But when I get like this, one thing will set me off, and my throat closes up and I get short of breath and I can feel my eyes start to sting. 

I fucking hate it.

I don't swear often, but lately I have been swearing more.
What is going on?
Why do I have to be so weak?
Where am I going with this? I don't even know.

I'm waiting for my boyfriend, I'm waiting for something.
I'm wishing I had more friends to talk to.
To call up.
I wish I wasn't so scared to go to this party that I got invited to.
why why why why why.

Worries.

For some reason, the past couple of weeks…I’ve been feeling really low. 
For no reason, that I can think of anyway…There is my family stuff going on at the moment…I don’t know..I guess..I’m constantly worrying about things. 
There always seems to be something occupying my mind.. Like, money…car problems..what work is going to be like tomorrow..my mum..my sister…Endrico….all of these things..And I get so anxious..And i can’t handle it. 
And Uni..I worry about uni..and the future..because life is moving so fast….. I just want it all to slow down..or even stop for a minute. So I have time to take a breath.  

I don’t know…I guess this is me just.,crying out to the Lord for help. 
I feel lost..I’m having..mixed feelings about where I wanna go in life, career wise..I keep feeling like because i’m doing a BA and majoring in theatre..I’m not going to go anywhere..I keep telling myself, there’s heaps of jobs out there for me, I don’t have to worry. But it’s because I let other people get under my skin..and…
I don’t know.
I just wish that I could stop worrying. And that when I go to sleep at night, I could sleep without worry….
Before I go to sleep, I pray…But just lately, it hasn’t been working. 

But I won’t stop, because I know the Lord will help me overcome whatever it is is making me feel like this.

amen.  

A new path;

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and...well with all the stuff going on with my sister, and with her friends and I know so many other people who suffer depression, anxiety, self harm...everything...And...I just....with all this, so close to home, and also going through depression myself, I know what it feels like.

So, after my degree I think I might still do teaching, and then after that, if I can afford it, do some papers in Psycology, or counsiling or mental health or SOMETHING.
Because, I just...It sounds weird, but I feel like I'm being called to do this.
I've always wanted to help people in some way, and i just..feel like this is the way to do it.
To show people who suffer that through music, drama, art, photography, and through God. You can overcome anything....
I don't know.. I just...it feels like it's what I have to do.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but where there's a will, there's a way.

So yep, thats my goal.
Long term.
Whatever...I just, don't know how it will happen, but I need to help my sister.
I need to show her that she doesn't have to cut to relieve her frustration and pain and what not.
I need to get her better.
I just need to help.

I'm not sad Anymore...

But there are times, when I get anxious.
When I worry far too much for my own good and I can't handle things.
The thing I hate the most is that my breathing gets fast, and my throat closes up, and I can't help but cry?
I don't understand it. I feel I don't have anything to cry about. This is the happiest I've been in, well, a very, very, very long time.
But just those certain times, when I get caught up in something or over something, my thoughts race ahead of me or I have a bad day and these feelings of sadness just hit me, so suddenly.

I wish it would stop.
I wish I new a way to make it stop.

M