Trouble..

Today is Sunday, and on a normal Sunday i would get up with my boyfriend and his family and go to Church.
But this weekend I am in Hamilton, and My boyfriend is playing Airsoft with his friends.
I told him I would go to church here in Hamilton, by myself.
But...I kind of didn't go.

I know, this is bad right?
The main reason why, I didn't get up and go was because I slept through my alarm.
The other reason, is because I just...can't bring myself to go to church by myself. I don't know what it is.
I know that going to church should be a comfortable thing, but when I go by myself, I get really anxious.
I don't know how to explain it. But i just freak out about going to church by myself.
I think it has something to do with the fact that the church I go to here in Hamilton, isn't as welcoming as the Pukekohe one.
But even then I often feel awkward, like I'm intruding on peoples conversations.

Why can't i just trust in God that he will guide me through all of this?
Thats my other problem, I feel like I'm slipping away kind of.
Not from faith, but just.... in general.

Mik.

Lately

I'm starting to realize I am a very emotional person who needs to take things less seriously.

Quite often I cry. I probably cry, on average at least twice a month. 

I don't know why this. I don't know if it's because these germs of self consciousness that are in my head get stuck in, work their magic and start yabbering away all my inside feelins. 

  you have no friends 

     no one wants to hang out with 

 your boyfriend doesn't wanna see you 

Wah wah wah. 

I'm trying to make myself stronger in this sense, I honestly am.
But when I get like this, one thing will set me off, and my throat closes up and I get short of breath and I can feel my eyes start to sting. 

I fucking hate it.

I don't swear often, but lately I have been swearing more.
What is going on?
Why do I have to be so weak?
Where am I going with this? I don't even know.

I'm waiting for my boyfriend, I'm waiting for something.
I'm wishing I had more friends to talk to.
To call up.
I wish I wasn't so scared to go to this party that I got invited to.
why why why why why.

Big Decisions.

I have got some very big choices to make.
And I have to make them within the next 2 weeks or so. I don't know why I'm so unsure about all of this.
I think it might have something to do with the fact that there are so many possibilities for what I actually want to do.

When I was thinking about coming to University when I was in my last  year of high school.
I knew pretty much exactly what I wanted to do. Which was teaching early childhood. When that got "struck down" so to speak, I took it as a sign that I wasn't ready to do teaching and had some growing up to do. Or that maybe I shouldn't do teaching at all.
That was a pretty big decision for me. Changing my whole idea of what I wanted to do with my life, putting my dream of being a teacher on hold. But i think because of that, because I stopped, did my BA, I've come to learn a lot more, and think a lot more about why I actually want to teach, and how I want to make a difference in other peoples lives.

The big decision for me now, it choosing between doing my Graduate Diploma in either Early Childhood, Primary or High School teaching.
I've talked to a lot of people, gotten some good advice and feedback and what not. But I still am so lost at choosing which area I should go.
There are good and bad points for all the areas, but I think whats putting me off the most is the fact that I'm terrified I will pick the wrong one.
That's why I'm trying to think about everything so carefully, so intrinsically about where I want to go.
My main goal in life is to help children and youth who have sturrgled or who are struggling with the help of theatre.
If there is any way I can do this, I will be willing to try. But for now, I have got some seriously big decisions to make.

x

Quite Often

Quite often I feel as though I annoy people. A lot.
More particular I feel as though I annoy my boyfriend.
He said to me last night that he think's we're "stuck". I mean, in our relationship we are both content and happy and I couldn't ask for anyone else other than him.
But because we both have Uni to finish (him more so than me as I can graduate next year) we can't really talk about living together and getting married on moving on with our lives.
Well we do talk about it ALL the time, but thats all it is, is talk.
The other thing that I guess you could say is holding us back from moving forward in our relationship is the
fact that if say for example we did move in together, go flatting together even with a group of people.... His parents and a lot of people from the church would "dissaprove".
I still don't know how that makes me feel....
 But yeah.

I would absolutely love to move in with Endrico, it would mean we'd actually get to relax around each other and just have fun and be ourselves.
it's so hard when there are all these rules that you have to follow in order to keep people happy.
And i makes me sad knowing that we are kind of just floating...that nothing else can really happen yet.

Walk the Journey of your Life

Today in my Creating Theatre class, we had to do an exercise that involved no talking, no words, just movement.
Our lecturer gave us the phrase "Walk the Journey of your life" and i immediately went. What. The. Heck. does she mean by that.
She explained it further and went on to say it doesn't have to be a literal walk of your life, it can be, but it doesn't have to be.

She gave us time to sit on our own and start creating a short movement sequence.
Something soon came to me, and I thought about how through out life I was always reasonably happy.
But then of course one thing is able to make you stumble, one thing will put you off balance and your walk becomes staggered.
As children we have to learn how to walk, we fall down and we get back up. But I realized something in that theatre class watching everyone else's responses. That life will always be like that.
We WILL stumble, we WILL get knocked down, we WILL get thrown of balance. But something or someone will always help us back onto our feet.
That is the beauty of life.

I portrayed my walk as me being almost at the point of being defeated by something, but then picking myself up, getting back on my feet and saying NO. I will not let you conquer me.
That is the beauty of our walk through life.
We can keep going, we SHOULD keep going, no matter how hard it gets.

Mik... xx

Accuracy.

“I am happy. I think I really am. But then I get sad. And sometimes it overwhelms me how sad I can get.”

Wow.
I just found this quote.
And you actually don't know how amazingly accurate this is.
There are often times days, weeks, sometimes even months, when I am happy. When I don't let anything bother me and when I don't let little worries fluctuate in my head.
But then other days, I wake up and I appear to be happy. But then, one thing can set me off.
Sometimes it is something that someone might say or the way that they say it just a tone, or a "back-handed compliment", that can set me off.
An example of another time when I've felt extremely happy yet overwhelmingly sad was when I went on a Hike with the youth group. Endrico came too... Now, I really should have researched this before agreeing to go. Because when I think of hike, I think of i don't know, a walk for a couple of hours around a bush, maybe a couple of hills. This Hike was 4 hours (give or take) to the "Hut" and then another 50 or so minutes up to the Summit.
Basically we were walking for 7ish hours. I'm not sure what happened, but I had the worst time on this Hike, because I'm so unfit   (which played anther factor into me balling every 5ks) I couldn't of course keep up with everyone else, I got cranky and was complaining, I had poor Endrico trailing along beside me when he could have been enjoying it with the others. Anyway, about a quarter of the way up we had to cross this river thing which was kind of scary..And well I got across it okay, but as we kept going someone said something and I just...I lost my shit. Everyone else was still going, up and up and here I was balling like a baby on Endrico. I honestly at the time, had no idea why I was crying. This happened to me three times I think on the Hike. Looking back I guess it was because I'm so unfit, and was pushing myself so much I couldn't handle it.

Something else I have noticed, is the fact that it's almost always the people who I love that make me feel small.
The one person who I hold dearest to me, generally knows when I'm about to ball my eyes out. It's not because this persons been mean to me...But this person might, say something and it's like it triggers this part in my brain that sets all my thoughts into hyper-drive.
My throat closes up, and my eyes water, but I still say "No. I'm okay." And it's that part.
The part where the lump builds in my throat, so damn quickly that is overwhelming. Because I just don't understand how so suddenly I can go from laughing and being in a generally good mood, to being a sobbing mess on the floor.

Honestly I don't know what is even up with my brain anymore.
But basically I'm sick of suddenly being sad when someone says one stupid thing to me.
And I don't know how to stop this.

If you read this....I'm sorry it's so long.

Tell me where our time went.....

Well here I am, on the home stretch I guess you could call it.
Pretty much only 3 months left to go of my Degree, and then I can graduate and step out into the big wide world.
3 more months until I have to figure what exactly it is I want to do for the rest of my life. That's the part that scares me the most.

Ya see, I am pretty sure I want to do teaching.
I know I want to do teaching.
I am almost 110% certain I want to do teaching. But there is that small part of me that is going...Do you want to study for another year? Do you want to put up with kids? Don't you want to go out and explore and do other things and maybe try do some shows first before you do this and ohmygosh what should i do HELP!

Yep, these are the thoughts that for the last month have been plaguing my mind.
I know I have to move fast, because If I do want to do teaching, I have to get my application in ASAP
The trouble is I still dont know which area of teaching I want to do...
It's so hard.... Choosing because I'm worried I might not like one thing and want to do something else...

SO YEAH...
I have a lot of big choices to make right now..... And at the same time, I also have to worry about my final semester which is actually going to be a lot tougher than I thought. 

Pressure and choices and decisions.... I hate all those words. And I just wish I could have someone pick for me.
Like, you just go up to a big desk of life and they go okay... So, you are destined to do this job. and study this. Here you go. No big decisions for you. Thank you, have a nice day. Bye. 

That's the dream. Just having life and a job all mapped out and ready to go so you don't have to freak about making a choice. Which could change your life.

Currently, a good song to describe me would be Pressure by Paramore. 

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now

Yep. pretty much perfect.
This year has been the speediest year of my life, I swear it has just flown by. It's. CRAZY!!!
Anyway, guess that's it for now.
Maybe I'll have a sudden realization that I want to do a certain area of teaching and I can relax.

Stay golden.
Mik.