Wednesday, 24 July 2013


I am happy. I think I really am. But then I get sad. And sometimes it overwhelms me how sad I can get.

I just found this quote.
And you actually don't know how amazingly accurate this is.
There are often times days, weeks, sometimes even months, when I am happy. When I don't let anything bother me and when I don't let little worries fluctuate in my head.
But then other days, I wake up and I appear to be happy. But then, one thing can set me off.
Sometimes it is something that someone might say or the way that they say it just a tone, or a "back-handed compliment", that can set me off.
An example of another time when I've felt extremely happy yet overwhelmingly sad was when I went on a Hike with the youth group. Endrico came too... Now, I really should have researched this before agreeing to go. Because when I think of hike, I think of i don't know, a walk for a couple of hours around a bush, maybe a couple of hills. This Hike was 4 hours (give or take) to the "Hut" and then another 50 or so minutes up to the Summit.
Basically we were walking for 7ish hours. I'm not sure what happened, but I had the worst time on this Hike, because I'm so unfit   (which played anther factor into me balling every 5ks) I couldn't of course keep up with everyone else, I got cranky and was complaining, I had poor Endrico trailing along beside me when he could have been enjoying it with the others. Anyway, about a quarter of the way up we had to cross this river thing which was kind of scary..And well I got across it okay, but as we kept going someone said something and I just...I lost my shit. Everyone else was still going, up and up and here I was balling like a baby on Endrico. I honestly at the time, had no idea why I was crying. This happened to me three times I think on the Hike. Looking back I guess it was because I'm so unfit, and was pushing myself so much I couldn't handle it.

Something else I have noticed, is the fact that it's almost always the people who I love that make me feel small.
The one person who I hold dearest to me, generally knows when I'm about to ball my eyes out. It's not because this persons been mean to me...But this person might, say something and it's like it triggers this part in my brain that sets all my thoughts into hyper-drive.
My throat closes up, and my eyes water, but I still say "No. I'm okay." And it's that part.
The part where the lump builds in my throat, so damn quickly that is overwhelming. Because I just don't understand how so suddenly I can go from laughing and being in a generally good mood, to being a sobbing mess on the floor.

Honestly I don't know what is even up with my brain anymore.
But basically I'm sick of suddenly being sad when someone says one stupid thing to me.
And I don't know how to stop this.

If you read this....I'm sorry it's so long.

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